I’m so sorry.

I was browsing around and I accidentally found out that my ex is or was in jail. I don’t know why but I just feel so so sad. Seeing his mug shot and everything. I feel like its my fault. I feel guilty for leaving him and not being there when he needed me the most. The thing is….. I left him because I thought it would be good for him. I thought he’d be better without me but I guess not. I don’t know. I’m kind of shocked and speechless at this point. I can’t help thinking I could have helped somehow. I could have stopped him. God. I hope he’s alright. I loved him so much I was only trying to do what I thought was right. I feel so guilty :( I don’t know what to do. I told my boyfriend about it and he was mad. He thinks I still love my ex. I told him that I do care about him. I mean I was completely in love with him for like 5 years. Ugh. I hate myself right now…

We are so cute. I love us together. :)

And calls them his lucky spots :) how cutteee. Aww!

Oh no.

None of it was my fault. It was all you. You always tried to blame me for everything. But I don’t know. Its nights like these where I just can’t seem to sleep. So I sit in the dark on my bed staring out the window just wondering where you are. Hoping you’re doing okay. Its amazing that everything you put me through, I can still sit here, and wish nothing but good things for you. That truely shows how much I love(d) you. But none of it ever mattered to you. I wish you wouldve ended it sooner. I wish we wouldn’t have continued to pursuit each other after the many times we lost touch. I wish I hadn’t wasted my whole high school life on you. I couldve met someone better but ill never know because I never let anyone in. I never let anyone try, because I was in love with you. It was always you. I can feel myself letting go of you a little more each day. And even though this is not how I wanted any of this to go, I’m accepting everything and moving forward. You know, its terrifying to watch your best friend In love because youre afraid it might end up the same way that yours did. I would never want him to feel as broken as I did all because I let one person be more inportant to me than I was to myself. Whenever I see him post a love status I want to comment on every one of them telling him to be carefull. There’s just too much to lose.

I mean is it pathetic that I’m still fuckin in love with you? I hate it so much. I’ve just been thinking a lot and looking back on the past 5 years, I’ve always only wanted you. You were the only one. Still are. I push everyone away and put up walls that are impossible to take down. Nobody is ever going to replace you and that’s why I’m so alone. People try every day to talk to me or tell me im pretty and I don’t believe them and don’t let them talk to me. Because I want it to be you saying all those things. I’ve only ever believed it when you have said it to me. Now you’re gone. And I’m here alone. Broken. Alone. Crying every night. Faking smiles every day. So tired that sleep can’t even fix the amount of tiredness I feel. If I could be with anyone right now it would be you. Even after everything we’ve been through. It’s still fucking you. I’m always going to Be in love with you no matter what. You could be away from me for years and it will still be you. I hate myself for this.

ive just been doing alot of thinking lately, and spending ALOT of time alone. is it crazy that it was just about 3 months ago? like, i made it this far without you. although it has killed me every fucking day, some days i do notice that i have gotten a lot stronger. i think one thing still haunts my mind and keeps me awake at night. how could you do this to such an innocent person? like, why me? why couldnt you have done this to any other girl? i gave you my fucking heart. my everryyything. we had plans of getting married, getting those matching tattos so we’d be eachothers and always remember eachother. i just dont know how i fell for every word you said. im NOT the person who falls in love with everyone. since i was 4 years old ive seen, and watched love fall apart many times. i didnt beleive in love at all. andthen i met you. and i started to care about you. andd i didnt know what this crazy feeling was. i never wanted to admit that i loved you, although you already had. you said you loved me and what did i say to you? i told you no. i said you probably just liked me alot, but you didnt loveme. but no, you insisted you loved me. i refused to say it back because i didnt beleive in all that. and when i finally realized that i loved you, thats when it all went down hill. when i lost you, i lost myself. i had lost my sanity. i lost sleep, i lost everything. you were everything to me. and i am absolutely ashamed to say that. i never wanted to fall for someone. i was gonna grow up and be alone, and never get hurt by anyone. i was gonna have huge walls built up and let nobody in. but nope. you came along and ruined me. now some times i just sit, and i cry. isee something that reminds me of you, or i hear someone say your name or something close to your name and i look up, looking for you. every where i go, my eyes still search for you. the sad part is, if you called me today wanting me back, id drop everything for you. it would be like you were never gone.

the only reason why i got a job, what, 9 mo0nths ago? was because we were losing our house and i wanted to help my mom. i was basically working for free for a couple months because i would give all my pay checks to my mom so she could pay bills and take care of the kids and what not. 9 months later, im moved out, and i still help her out with money. she doesnt even have to pay me back. i love her and i feel like i owe her my life for what shes done for me. she adopted me and my little brother together, and thats just amazing right there. she has the biggest hear and i hope my heart is as big as hers someday. today i stopped by to give her some money to help pay her gas bill, she looked so depressed because of what has happened with my dad. it breaks my heart to see her this way. i wish i could make verything better, but i cant and it kills me :/