Yes I could be pan sexual to. Whatever you guys want to call it but I really don’t believe in putting labels on sexuality.

I know a lot of people have been wondering and asking me about my sexuality. A lot of people thought I was a lesbian. And yes, there was a time that I was very much interested in girls than I was guys. But I am bisexual if you really must put a label on it. Honestly, I could care less about what you look like, if you’re a male or female. I care more about what’s on the inside. I fall in love with personalities, not looks. And yes I’ve gotten picked on by people saying I’m confused, but no. I am not confused. I know what I like. And I think women are fucking sexy as well as men. So there you go, ill tag this in my personal page just so anyone who visits my blog can see :)

And last night I had like 3 dreams about that whole thing except it had a different ending each time. I lay on the ground a car is about to run me over and instead of him pulling me up it was someone different. And then the second dream I got up myself, and in the last dream, nobody saved me. I just died. The car ran me over Idk I guess I’m very thankful that he ran and got to me in time to pull me up before the car ran me over.

And I realized that if it weren’t for my job, I would be going to beauty school now, I would still have all my piercings in. I would have outrageous colors in ny hair every other week and I would have all the tattoos that I want by now. But no.
Guess what? I work at a fast food restaurant where there is so much bullshit going on. The crew members can’t have tattoos and piercings, but the managers can??
I cantgo to school because they expect me to have all the time for them. They call me on my days off AND expect me to come in. Why should I be the one to pick up everyone’s slack, but I can’t look the way I want to? I have to look “professional”. What the fuck. We work at a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT NOT A FREAKING OFFICE OR ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL JOB. Also, we wear shirts that say “we wake and bake every morning” what the hell? That doesn’t sound very professional to me….?
All I know is I want to go to beauty school, and since I’m tired of all this bullshit, I’m going to go :) and I’m going to go get a tattoo, and I’m going to look the way I want.

So, on my right forearm I want to get “in these bodies we will live” and on my left forearm I want to get “in these bodies we will die”

Last night I had a dream about an ex. He was my first love. And when I say my first love I mean, I was so in love with him for about 5 years, not anything that anyone told me would stop me from loving him. The weird thing is, me and him never saw eatchother that often. But we could “meet up in our dreams”. I know it sounds crazy, but the dreams would feel so real, like he was really there with me. And when I would wake up the next morning I would message him and ask about the dream and he could describe the exact dream that I had. I think our mental connection was so strong that we could actually meet up in dreams. But anyway, to get to the point. Last night’s dream was exactly like one of those dreams. He held my hand and it felt so real like he was really there holding my hand. His prescence felt so loving. The other weird thing is, I haven’t talked to him in about, 8 months. I haven’t heard anything from him. And in the dream i was still upset with him and I was going to pull away from him but I stayed and let him hold my hand. Also, my boyfriend now, was in the dream. He doesnt like my ex, and in the dream he came walking up very angrily, but when he saw me looking at my ex he stopped and said it was okay. Idk what that dream ment but it felt so real and I wish I could ask my ex of he had the same dream. Idk. It was so weird.

Okay so first off, I love tattoos. I think it such beautiful art. But I have not gotten one yet because I just haven’t been able to think o one. I want to get a tattoo that has a lot of meaning to it and a story behind it. So lately, I’ve been thinking of doing this; I would like to get a butterfly tattooed on my left inner wrist, over all my scars. So I would be doing the butterfly project for the rest of my life. I want to do it not only for me, everyone else on tumblr or in real life who has ever harmed themselves. I want a reminder of what I went through, and how strong I am and how undeniably compassionate an caring I am for others. :) let me know what you all think!!!

While getting ready for work I kept repeating in my head, non stop; “please don’t eat today. Don’t eat. Don’t eat. Don’t eat. Please don’t eat. You will be lovely soon enough, and everyone who ever called you big or put the word “big” in the same sentence as your name will be wrong. You can show them. You can prove them wrong. Just don’t eat.”

It’s coming back again.
I’ve slowly been eating less and less everyday.
And this time…..
I live on my own.
So no parents, no nothing to notice that I’m not eating. To tell me to eat. To shove food in my face all the time.
Except my boyfriend.
But I won’t let him notice.
I’ll be smarter this time.
I don’t need anyone to tell me to eat.
Eating does nothing but ruin me.
Look how much I’ve gained. I used to be so tiny when I wasn’t eating. I can see it in old pictures. I want to be that again. Lovely. Skinny. Perfect. Gosh, I just want to be perfect.

I don’t even know whatc wring with me. I can feel the depression coming back.